What if we break up because of money?
<div class="user-question">HELP! I'm moving in with my boyfriend (I've never moved in with a partner before) and I'm freaking out! What are the do's and dont's? How do you even get started? How do we split rent? What if we end up hating each other and break up??? Please, I need some guidance!</div>
Dear Moving in with Your Boyfriend - Don’t freak out! We’ve got you. It’s Saira, your newest addition to the Frich writing team. I’ve spent over 15 years working in finance and fintech, and I’m here to share my personal finance knowledge… awkward bits included, because those are the ones we most need to talk about!
Diving in, there are a few major ‘Money Milestones’ in everyone’s life: your first big purchase, first job, first live-in partner, first home, and your first baby (pet or otherwise)! Each marks a moment where you face a major financial decision, and each choice shapes your financial journey, for better or worse.
Someone once asked me, “What’s the most important financial decision of your life?” My answer? It’s your partner. They can either share your values and beliefs around money or divide your household (and potentially bankrupt you).
Before we take on the stressful subject of how to approach finances with your S.O., remember this: It’s okay and completely normal if you have different perspectives when it comes to money. The goal isn’t to be identical in your financial views, but to understand those differences and communicate about them effectively. Trust me, my partner had no idea what he was getting into when we decided to live together – including, but not limited to, my dream of owning a Birkin someday. But guess what? Even though we don’t see eye to eye on every financial decision, we’re committed to navigating those differences together and communicating openly. We are happily married for 4 years, with one amazing baby and what most people would consider strong financial health. So here’s my formula on how to make it work when you decide to move in with your partner ⬇️
❤️Laying the Groundwork: Understanding your Financial Philosophy
Shifting your mindset is key when it comes to discussing finances in a relationship. What might seem like a tough topic is actually an opportunity to grow closer and align your goals. Here’s the playbook to guide you through these conversations together.
Start by sitting down separately and reflecting on these key questions. I find it helpful to jot down notes for the bigger conversation ahead:
1️⃣ What was your first memory with money?
For me, it was when my parents took me to a Salvation Army. I remember them choosing the pieces of clothing for me, and counting the money to hand to the cashier . It was the first time I had seen money as a kid. It reminds me of how hard my parents worked, how little money they had when I was young, and how sad I felt not having ‘cool’ clothes. These early experiences have informed so much of who I am today. I love designer fashion, I support my parents whenever possible, and I work tirelessly to ensure my family’s financial security. Someone who has a completely different perspective on money, such as someone who grew up with parents who spent quite a bit more, might have different money memories and as such approach money differently than I did. My partner, for example, went to private schools and had a wealthy family. So his belief on money was “spend when I want to” whereas mine was “spend only when you must.” Having these somewhat opposite positions meant we had to come together and debate how to save and spend money as a household. What we decided to do was have a joint account that we contributed equally to for bills, and then our personal income outside of that was ours to spend. This evolved over time, but we can discuss that further at a later date.
2️⃣ How did your parents handle money, both with each other and with you?
Think about how your parents managed finances—both with each other and with you. Were they open and honest about money? Did you ever hear them argue about it? My mom, to this day, does not know how to use an ATM. She only recently learned how to use her credit card, and has never bought gas for her car. I remember watching her struggle at a store because she needed to call my dad to purchase something for me before I left for college, and that moment was when I realized I wanted to be a financial savant. In that same vein, if you came from parents who knew exactly how to spend their money, or who were much more meticulous about spending, the effect on your mentality towards money may differ. Understanding this nuance between my partner and I has allowed us to take a step back with large purchases (initially we labeled large = >$500) without arguments by knowing Nick was more likely to say yes without blinking, whereas I was more likely to say no without blinking, depending on the item. We spend less time arguing about the cost of items and more time focusing on whether it’s a need or a want, since we both handle money differently.
3️⃣ What are some other notable financial moments in your life?
Consider how these moments reflect your current financial habits. Do they indicate you are more likely to save or splurge? Do they suggest you're more inclined to splurge on significant experiences like big trips, or make large purchases on high-value items?
❤️Self-Audit: Assessing Your Income and Expenses
After you’ve taken the time to explore and understand your own relationship with money, it’s time to dig into the details. Start by reviewing your income, both pre- and post-tax. Next, break down your expenses: identify what's necessary—like bills, rent, and utilities—and what’s discretionary—such as dining out, shopping, and vacations. Are you making contributions to retirement? Have you built up a safety net with emergency savings? Knowing these numbers will help you be prepared for meaningful discussions with your partner. Here’s a helpful checklist to get you started:
✅ Monthly Income (Pre-tax & Post-tax)
✅ Contributions to Retirement (401k, Roth IRA)
✅Expenses
Essential Expenses (Rent / Mortgage, Gas, Electricity, Internet, Cell Phone, Pets, Student Loan(s), Car Payment)
Discretionary Spending (Vacations, Eating out, Shopping)
While it may seem tedious, I recommend reviewing your income and expenses over at least 3 months. Since our spending patterns can vary with seasons–who doesn’t occasionally enjoy a beach getaway or a winter ski trip –it’s easier to get the full picture over the course of a year. If you’d rather leave the number-crunching to someone else, I would recommend platforms such as PocketSmith (or Frich 😉).
Take a look at how your income and expenses align with your personal financial insights: does your actual spending reflect your beliefs about money? What new observations have emerged after evaluating your cash flow? This step helps ensure that your financial actions are in line with your financial philosophy.
❤️ Money Talks, But it’s time to Listen
OK so now you have a little personal history on your relationship with money, so grab a coffee, and sit down somewhere comfortable with your partner. Talk about what you experienced financially growing up. Be as honest as you can, and share how you believe what you did in your past has set you up for the present.
1️⃣ Being open will help each of you understand each other financially, and while it’s not easy, this is the key to having a good financial future together.
2️⃣ Ask probing questions. Listen fully to your partner and then ask more things about their past or details they perhaps didn’t think about.
3️⃣ Next, once you’ve talked through the history, it’s time to share how they currently allocate their paycheck. Do they put money into retirement? Have they started saving for an emergency fund? Are they living paycheck to paycheck? How do they figure out how much can be spent going out with friends?
4️⃣ Ask how they want to structure living together. Which expenses will you share? Which expenses will remain separate? What happens when one person wants to buy a big ticket item?
5️⃣ Finally, ask what they envision their future looks like. Do they see owning a home in the suburbs, or maybe they believe in buying a condo on the East Side? Do they like renting to live closer to the beach, or are they thinking about getting a little house with a yard so they can get a labradoodle next year? These are all little hints to how they like to save (if at all), among other things.
Personally, I spend a lot of time on this step. My (now husband) and I would grab coffee, go for a walk in the park, and talk through our financial histories while discussing what an ideal future looks like. If you’re in discussions with your partner about moving in together, have as many of these conversations as possible prior to moving in so you have the opportunity to shake out the awkward questions and figure out what works best for the both of you. I’ve found on average this takes 2-3 conversations at minimum prior to moving in.
Here are some do’s and don’ts for that first conversation:
✅ Have the conversation somewhere private where no one else can listen or be a distraction.
✅ Be prepared. Make sure you review your own finances, so you know how much you spend and save. Ask your partner to do the same.
✅ Remember that this is a partnership, not a competition. This is one step closer in your relationship; treat it with the same respect that you’d treat any other intimate conversation.
✅ Take deep breaths and work through everything slowly. This doesn’t have to be complete in one conversation.
✅ Be– and stay– sober during the conversation.
❌ Expect solutions and answers to everything right away. Some things will still be ambiguous at the end of the first conversation and take time to think through.
❌ Keep going on the conversation if one or both of you seem exhausted. This conversation can be emotionally and mentally draining; it’s worth picking back up later if you notice it’s becoming tedious to discuss.
❌ Move in without a plan if you can help it. Try to build the bridge between you, form the plan, and get it going before the move-in date. That way, the most stressful thing about moving in together can be the move and not what you’re going to do financially.
❌ Compromise what you have budgeted for your housing expense. Stick to your max, and let them know it’s the most you can afford.
Btw - here's how others are doing👀
Have you ever had an argument with your significant other over money?
😟30% No, I try avoid talking about money!
💍43% Only in more serious relationships
🫂26% Quite often - money can cause a lot of stress in relationships
If you found this helpful, don’t hesitate to write me a note and ask more questions! I love sharing my ideology on finance and families.
Until next time-
Saira Rahman
VP, New Investor Initiatives - Fundrise
